Month: January 2014

It all started here

How to Destroy Angels all started here, and now I’m considering scrapping this whole chapter. Or at least the first half of it, because it drags on a bit and perhaps it’s a little self indulgent. Agh, I don’t know…

My first memory is of falling.

The fall wakes me from my dream. It is a cruel awakening. A black widow tickling the roof of your mouth. A hand pushing you under water in the dead of winter. The upstairs neighbors blasting Celine Dion at 8am. Reality snatches me from my warm bed, claws skewering through the meat of my shoulders. It shakes me and tells me ‘what I believed I was, what I thought I had, it was all lies.’

But what were those sweet, delicious lies, exactly?

There is that initial denial, the disorientation, that moment of suspension on the bridge between dreaming and waking. Where reality swings fractured and insane thoughts seem rather plausible. But the first step off that bridge, that reluctant toe dip into the cold waters of reality, that’s where the panic resides.

I have to pay for my sins. Whatever they were, I have to pay for them with everything I am.

Somewhere beneath me coils a giant serpent, it’s jaw unhinged, its mouth open wide, waiting to swallow me whole. This endless blackness, this eternity of nothing, this is my new truth. The dream was the promise that the impossible is possible, it was the place where nothing begins and nothing comes to an end. I knew all the secrets of the universe. I knew love. And I knew the power of life and death. I knew all of this and it all slipped away like sand between my fingers

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Unloved

He could make the most mundane things into poetry and climb to the tops of telephone poles. There was something that was beautiful in his chaos. Maybe it was all because I didn’t live in this world and neither did he. But he was broken and so I wanted to be broken too. To forever exist inside his darkness. To know what is was to be born unloved. He wore his wounds like a badge. And I suppose I just could never keep up.

Running Away

It was wrong to be myself. And I couldn’t wait to run away. To the place where the earth turned into sand and the sand fell into the ocean. The sun was hot and the palm trees swayed but those were the days we’d rather black out the windows and stay inside. We laughed and loved and fried our brains up on frying pans. Then we cried about it later. My mother was right, I’d say. There is a demon that follows me no matter where I go. He brought me a flaming cake and poked me when I tried to sleep. Sometimes I’d shake him, but he always came back, because I’d miss him when he was away.

Teresa

I wish we had that moment back, before the great sadness, before that monster birthed within your brain. My head was fuzzy from the free liquor and out of all the people in the room you chose to talk to me. I told you I had lost my religion and you said you were proud. This made me happy and surprised me so that I dropped my drink. The wine stained the floor. But you took all the blame, even though it was through my fingers the glass had slipped.