She wore her red dress and I discovered I was disposable. I slid low and crawled on my belly, he wanted to keep me there forever. The wind blew and the leaves whispered ‘there was nothing left for me here.’ I wanted it to be lies, I wanted sleep, and death and oblivion. I slid lower until my lips kissed the blue flames of Hell. It singed off my pride and my joy and he wanted to keep me there forever. Denial laid his blanket upon my shoulders and my fingers intertwined with the Devil. He said ‘come with me and I will show you all the things you never knew you were capable of.’ I smiled a joyless smile and slid lower. I took all the blame and dreamed of dying and he wanted to keep me there forever.
But I could go no lower.
After that his love was never the same. There was always the rustling of scorpions between the sheets, the fear of razor blades in the ice cream. I had planted the darkness and misery bloomed. I forgot how to live as her vines grew up my throat and around my neck. I became complacent living under her dark petals. I accepted the darkness when I should have fought against it. I have only myself to blame.
I wished for a touch of madness, for the snakes in my gut to swim up my throat. I sat across the shore and wiggled my fingers at death, taunting him, wishing he would come near. I longed for the kiss of those cold lips. The escape his touch would bring. And yet when he rose to greet me I recoiled in fear. He laughed and asked “perhaps later then?”
Sorrow descended upon us. Somehow you escaped, while I arched my back and let despair lay her eggs in my wounds. “Pain!” I screamed at no one “I had almost forgetten how you felt.” And suddenly I rememberd how well razorblades went with wine. I grew restless, and tired of you turning away instead of watching me bleed. I dreamed of your heart on a stake, of licking your blood off my lips. I dreamed of a time when things were better, when I was better. And then I killed that dream.
It takes a great amount of strength and determination not to retaliate against someone that has hurt you. Even though every cell in your body is singing out for revenge. Instead you find yourself spending an unhealthy amount of time fantasizing about their face being mauled off by a lion, or their brains painting the bedroom wall.